The first morning I wake up at the hospital when a nurse come to check my blood pressure. I am still a bit drowsy from the sleeping pill and I kind of put together the room, the day, the previous day and why I am here…
We have breakfast, I go to take a shower and get dressed for the day, not knowing what to expect.
They call me to inform me that a Psychologist is waiting for me in the consultation room. I go in and he introduces himself and tell me to sit and get comfortable. I tell him what I told the Psychiatrist the day before and he takes a lot of notes on the file in front of him.
“Sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder to me…’ he says.
“I am not saying it is, but it sounds like it…’ he continues.
‘Excuse me?” I ask, “my Psychiatrist mentioned Autism and said I should rest as much as I can today while reading up on Autism, what is Borderline Personality Disorder?” I continue, kind of confused but also intrigued at the same time.
He hands me a piece of paper which reads:
- Individuals who match this personality disorder type have an extremely fragile self-concept that is easily disrupted and fragmented under stress and results in the experience of a lack of identity or chronic feelings of emptiness. As a result, they have an impoverished and/or unstable self structure and difficulty maintaining enduring intimate relationships.
- Self-appraisal is often associated with self-loathing, rage, and despondency.
- Individuals with this disorder experience rapidly changing, intense, unpredictable, and reactive emotions and can become extremely anxious or depressed. They may also become angry or hostile, and feel misunderstood, mistreated, or victimized.
- They may engage in verbal or physical acts of aggression when angry.
- Emotional reactions are typically in response to negative interpersonal events involving loss or disappointment.
- Relationships are based on the fantasy of the need for others for survival, excessive dependency, and a fear of rejection and/or abandonment.
- Dependency involves both insecure attachment, expressed as difficulty tolerating aloneness; intense fear of loss, abandonment, or rejection by significant others; and urgent need for contact with significant others when stressed or distressed, accompanied sometimes by highly submissive, subservient behavior.
- At the same time, intense, intimate involvement with another person often leads to a fear of loss of an identity as an individual. Thus, interpersonal relationships are highly unstable and alternate between excessive dependency and flight from involvement.
- Empathy for others is severely impaired.
- Core emotional traits and interpersonal behaviors may be associated with cognitive dysregulation, i.e., cognitive functions may become impaired at times of interpersonal stress leading to information processing in a concrete, black-and white, all-or-nothing manner.
- Quasi-psychotic reactions, including paranoia and dissociation, may progress to transient psychosis. Individuals with this type are characteristically impulsive, acting on the spur of the moment, and frequently engage in activities with potentially negative consequences.
- Deliberate acts of self-harm (e.g., cutting, burning), suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts typically occur in the context of intense distress and dysphoria, particularly in the context of feelings of abandonment when an important relationship is disrupted.
- Intense distress may also lead to other risky behaviors, including substance misuse, reckless driving, binge eating, or promiscuous sex. (APA, 2010)
“Well, I will leave you to rest as your Doctor suggested, I will see you again tomorrow” he says, and say goodbye and leave the room.
I go back to my room I share with 3 other men and lie down on my bed. I read what I can find on Autism, but I also read the paper he gave me. I do not recognize myself at all when reading about BPD. Strange…
I guess I have to wait for the Psychiatrist to clarify exactly what this means. He will only be back the next day and he has prescribed pain killers for the suicide attempt wound on my wrist, anti-depressants and more sleeping pills (which I have to take in front of the nurse so they can confirm that I did take the medication).
I eat lunch and read, I eat dinner and read, I take a shower and read, and I take my evening medication and sleep….