Day 9 post failed suicide attempt – removing stitches and: “What is ‘normal’ anyway?”

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5:00

Nurse takes blood pressure.

She inspects the wound on my wrist and informs me that it has healed very well. We may want to look at removing the stitches later that morning.

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I go to have breakfast: scrambled eggs, grilled tomato, slice of brown toast, a small tub of yogurt, fresh fruit salad and a cup of coffee. Everyone sits in groups of 3 or 4 at the breakfast tables, except for me, I sit alone. I prefer it this way, I do not have the capacity for small talk. I also do not wish to share my story with anyone except the medical professionals. I finish my breakfast, take a shower, get dressed, and take my medication, in front of the nurse as per usual.

9:00

The nurse visits me in my room and starts to remove the bandage on my wrist. The wound healed very well and she starts removing the stitches one at a time. Its a strange experience, and I start thinking about how amazing it is that our bodies can heal. It fascinates me that the cells know how to rebuild themselves and form scar tissue to cover up the damage I have done with the knife. I was lucky, I missed the artery by 1mm…

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The Psychiatrist arrives and we start talking. I give him feedback about all the info I had read through regarding Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, OCD, OCPD, Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder. We start talking about Autistic Burnout. The immense pressure which people on the spectrum endures when they are expected to fit into ‘normal’. What is normal anyway?

NORMAL: conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.

I imagine normal is probably the way life feels to Neurotypical people. People like myself I gathered were referred to as Neurodivergent. Pretty cool I think 🙂

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We discuss the fact that I have been trying to be normal for 4 decades not knowing that I can only visit normal, I do not get to stay there. I have been masking or camouflaging my autistic tics and quirks in attempt not to draw attention to my self. I would never in my wildest dreams have stumbled onto a thought that I was on the spectrum, I always just thought everyone struggled to fit in like I did. I was wrong, the toll it takes on autistic people to just arrive at normal is immense: mentally, emotionally and physically draining.

We talk about the wound on my wrist and the healing that is going very well. He informs me that he is concerned that I may start to feel some kind of excitement for finally having an answer to all my questions about my own behavior throughout my time on this planet, but that I need to take it slow. We do not want a relapse. He explained to me that my brain works in a way where I do not tolerate failure and that my next attempt to take my life would probably be successful.

“Do you drink alcohol?” he asks.

“Yeah, absolutely, I love beer! I drink a 6-pack of beer everyday!” I reply.

He asks whether I have ever considered myself to be an alcoholic. I vehemently deny it…

He says:’ So you drink 3 litres of beer every day and you consider that to be okay?’.

I nod my head.

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‘Have you ever had blackouts?’ he asks. I confirm that I have and we discuss my experience prior to, during and post the black out. So apparently I should not be drinking 3 litres of beer a day during the week, ramping it up to 9 litres of beer on a Friday and 9 – 12 litres of beer on a Saturday. I would also have 6 litres on a Sunday. After the 6th beer I would not recall anything that happened further during those Friday and Saturday sessions and I would wake up the next day and try to figure out what I did the night before by listening to the stories the people told who I spent the night with partying.

Sooooooo, I was an alcoholic….

He explained to me how bad alcohol really is. The death rate of alcohol is the same as all the other illegal drugs combined!

He told that in order for me to remain alive and have a future that I should consider giving up alcohol. In a nutshell, if I want to die I should stop taking my medication and continue to drink alcohol. This gave me a bit of a wake-up call!

I decided then and there that I will never touch alcohol again and I will always take my medication. I want to have a second chance to live this thing called Life!

Our session ended and he left.

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Lunch.

At 14:00 that afternoon the Psychologist visited me. We discussed the conversation I had regarding alcohol and he was shocked that I consumed so much beer. He also gave me some advise on how dangerous alcohol is especially to people with mental health problems.

  • Autism and alcohol usually ends up in suicide.
  • ADHD and alcohol usually ends up in suicide.
  • OCPD and alcohol usually ends up in suicide.
  • Depression and alcohol usually ends up in suicide.

I had all 4 and I drank excessively, no wonder I ended up with a knife in my hand hacking away at my wrist!!!

I was shocked…

He gave me paper work to read through regarding the DSM-V classification and diagnosis requirements regarding all my afflictions. I had to go through it that night and give him my thoughts on it the next day.

He left.

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Dinner.

Shower.

I took a cup of coffee to my room, lied down on my bed and read through everything. I also read some more on alcoholism and the devastating effects it had on humanity. Wow!

I took my medication and decided that I had enough for the day, my brain was tired and I needed rest…

I drifted away and dreamt for the first time in who knows how long….

I had a dream where I could fly!

Bliss

By anonymousgods

High-Functioning Autistic Savant with co-morbid ADHD and OCPD

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