What Depression Felt Like To Me On A Good Day

Depression feels like you are feeling too much, all at once—you feel guilty about everything and nothing in particular, you feel guilty for feelings you don’t have, and so on. You might also feel that everything is your fault, when it’s not or that everything is horrible when it’s really just a little bad.

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Depression feels like a stuck record, repeating over and over again how horrible everything is. You can’t stop thinking about all the negative things you say to yourself; it’s almost as if you are hypnotized by your thoughts. It feels like you don’t want to do anything because even doing something “normal” feels like too much.

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It feels like you are not good enough, that you can’t do anything right and that you will never be able to do anything right. You belittle yourself with self-loathing talk inside your head, telling yourself how horrible you are—while the inner voice sounds just like your own voice, it’s as if somebody else is speaking, repeating all the annoying things you wouldn’t want to say to yourself.

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Depression feels like your mind is racing with thoughts that lead to more negative feelings and thoughts, which then create even more negative feelings…and sometimes manipulative nasty thoughts that might try to fool you into believing that suicide would be a good thing because it will stop all this negative feeling.

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I spent the best years of my life in a depressive state—the only thing that made me feel good was sleeping, which is why I did it too much. I also drank too much to try to get rid of the feelings inside of me, which didn’t work at all since alcohol doesn’t solve problems but only makes everything worse. This led to autistic burnout and a failed suicide attempt.

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It feels like you don’t want to live anymore because living feels too painful—and it might be even more painful when your antidepressant isn’t doing its job very well and the depressive state is taking over. Depression feels like being stuck in a black hole, not being able to see anything good in the future, thinking that nothing good will ever happen to you again.

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It feels like nobody understands what you are going through, even though they do—but unless they have been in depression themselves, they might not know how it feels. It’s like you are living on another planet because the reality of your depressive state is all that matters, but what reality is is something you might not be able to figure out. You know that there’s more than just the depressive state, but it seems like nobody else sees any of that.

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It feels like you are walking in a fog with no idea about anything—not knowing what will happen next or how things will turn out or what you can do to make things better; not knowing if it will ever get better. It feels like you are on a rollercoaster and the ride never seems to end: sadness, anger, numbness, no feelings at all…

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Depression is like trying to find your way out of a big forest in winter, in the dark, in a snowstorm—with no sense of direction, no idea about which way you should go. You don’t even know if you’re going the right way because it looks like every direction is wrong. Depression feels like not wanting to live but also not being able to die…or maybe it’s the other way around?

Thanksgiving

Thank you Me for not killing Myself, I appreciate it. I now take it day by day and am glad to say that depression is not welcome here anymore! However, if you do show up, I will just take you with me as a passenger on this adventure called Life!

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